Just thought I'd report on a weird doctor's appointment yesterday. I went to the queer health center place for a doctor's appointment about another issue, but I figured that since I was there I'd try to find out whether the doctor would be willing to proscribe T gel to me. I have been taking a quarter dose of injectable T for about 4 months, and I have recently started thinking more and more that I'd like to an excellent little tranny dick (inspired by recent adventures helping me get to know how hot it is). My friend grew his by applying some kind of T cream, and since a quarter dose doesn't seem to be growing me one, I was thinking about trying to find a way to get something like that to rub on my dick.

So I explain to the doctor that I've been on a quarter dose and I want to apply T gel to change my parts and that I am aware that there is a 4 month waiting list to go through the hormone clinic at the health center and I've already been through screenings and all that and would like to avoid it and just get the stuff. I say, "So, can you give me that, or what do I need to do to get it?" And he says, "Well, it depends on what kind of mood I'm in." And then explains that he'll give me the prescription if I "don't tell any of my trans friends about it." So, on the one hand I'm relieved, I only have to go to one more appt and then I get what I want. But on the other hand, of course, I'm disgusted by his blatant show of power and arbitrariness. He admitted that he holds the cards of who gets to self-determine their gendered body characteristics, and that he decides based on "mood" which, of course, is probably directly connected to all kinds of biases. Did he decide to give me the prescription because I'm white like him, a professional, not a "youth," and other fucked up indications that I know what is best for myself? And this business about not telling my trans friends--that there is no goal to actually make medical services more accessible and that I should 'get mine' and participate in keeping it inaccessible for others--is disgusting. Yeah, so I am grateful to be getting what I want (we come to expect so little!) but grossed out by how it went down. Even just the fact that I have some hesitation writing about it or posting about it on my website because I feel like he's done me this favor and I owe it to him to keep it a secret or that I might not get it if I don't do what he said and be quiet. Its fucking disgusting.

I'll let you know how my dick turns out.

xoxo dean

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